Monday, May 16, 2011

Thank you, everyone!

I want to thank everybody for the support. Seeing those comments really helped me a lot. I always smile knowing I have everyone, but I have to say I need help. I've reached a point in my life where I can no longer self sustain and I am going to get some therapy or see someone to help me sort through things. Idk when I will be back but I want to say this...

You all are beautiful.
You all are wonderful.
You all deserve great things from this life.
You all deserve to reach the goals you are working toward.
You all mean so much to me even though I hardly know you.
And every last one of you is unique and perfect in my eyes.

Bless you all for being so great to me when no one else would. In my heart I have love for all of you. I wish you all the happiest of days and the best of times.

Love and Skinnies Forever,

Dust & Feathers.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

I'm Sorry Girls

I'm sorry girls that I am this way lately. I am trying to fix myself.

My boyfriend just sent me a text telling me it was over because he found out how much I had binged and purged. I hate it when people leave when things get hard...the time when you need someone to stay.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Taste of Tile.

I slept on the bathroom floor. I woke, my body swollen from dehydration. There was dried blood on the roof of my mouth were I had eatin so much so quickly I started to bleed. My eyes were blood shot and my joints hurt. I looked in the mirror and immediatley turned away. I can't stand the sight of myself anymore.

My boyfriend doesn't love me anymore. He talks to me only because he feels obligated. He's tired of my constant moods of dispair and self loating; of anger and sadness. He wants out I know it. It hurts so deeply.

My family laughs at my failures, rejoices in my faults.

I hear death now. He whispers over my shoulder, his breath on the nape of my neck as he tells me sweet innocent ways to get rid of my pain.

I am so very exhausted.

I feel my wrists over and over now, remembering back to when it was so easy to self destruct, back when angst consumed me and the world seemed to revolve around me.

It's no longer like that. What I do effects to many others.

The clock ticks faster, and my heart beat quickens as the panic attacks draw closer and closer together.

I am terrified of failure.

I eat only so I can feel the pain of purging.

I take another drink from the bottle. 

I want to waste away......

Friday, May 13, 2011


I'm Purging....until I feel emptiness and my collar bones hurt and my throat feels scratched and my head spins and my lungs gasp for air and I fall over onto the tile floor clutching my heart asking God why he did this to me. Then I will strip myself naked and fall asleep, knowing I deserved nothing from this life.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

"She was of dust and feathers..."

Today I want to pay tribute to my friend who passed almost a year ago. She was my weight loss partner and my friend. She was so strong and always was my thinspiration. We got to our low weights together but after she passed, I gained a ton of weight. She was an inch above my height and her low weight was 119. She was hospitalized 4 times and on the 4th her heart beat dropped to 54. She had a heart arrhythmia which induced a heart attack because of her low heart beat. I loved her and everything she stood for. Today I hit 138 and I'm back on track and when I think of her and how strong she was it makes me want to be strong. I sometimes forget what she sacrificed to be like Dust and Feathers, but I need never forget. I wear her ana bracelet. Nina. Beautiful, Nina. My heart and my starvation goes out to you.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

The Swimming Aspect.

So swimming is a lot different than running and biking. With running and biking it's easy to push myself and go farther than I may have previously gone. I can almost wear myself out, but with swimming you can't do that so easily. Today I was suppose to do 8x25 to start out training, but couldn't get through it all. I only did half. BREATHING is such a hard thing to grasp. Getting a rhythm and flow is so key and I just haven't gotten it yet. I did 4x25 or 100 meters and felt so defeated that I couldn't finish the rest. I guess I should quit smoking. Friday is my next swimming day and I'm looking around for some help on how to get my breathing in gear. If any of you all are swimmers I would love the advice.

Intake was good. 420 out of 900 and probably just having oatmeal for dinner. under 300. The eating is getting better. Slowly I move toward success.

Athletic Thinspo cause I'm in the mood :)