Thursday, May 5, 2011

This Road is Long, Forever Curving...

I want it to be straight and narrow.

Monday I ate over 3000 calories, but purged a lot after one of the binges.

Tuesday I ate 1800.

Yesterday I had around 1000.

Today, I have no idea I didn't have the strength to count. I skipped breakfast but ended up having four small tarts after dinner.

I've decided I am going to train for a triathlon that happens August 7th. I wanted to have a goal so that I would HAVE to dedicate to the gym. This means I'll be burning hundreds upon thousands of calories. Very Excited. For this I plan on up-ing my calorie intake to 900. If I can get under that I most certainly will, and plan on burning all of it into a negative calorie anyway.

I still feel bloated and awful and fat. I couldn't have sex with my boyfriend for the first time because I felt too insecure. He held me all night. He told me I was beautiful. He said he would help me and support me no matter what I did in life. I kissed him. I love him.

120 still lingers. I hold it up.

I made 3 different Ana bracelets. One I wear all the time. One I wear with pretty things. One I wear with diamonds. It's helping me.

Eminem. I know this may sound odd, but he is my thinspiration. He does what he wants without caring what the world thinks. He is self-destructive, tormented, troubled and struggling but he still makes the world more poetic with who he is and what he portrays. I want this to be me. I want to starve until I feel frail as a feather and still not care what the world thinks about my eating habits. I want to portray poetic beauty with every ounce I don't eat. I want it all. I want nothing.

Lovely Angels of Ana, I'm sorry. I will get back to commenting and I will get back to a positive outlook...I'm just struggling.


3 comments:

Ana's Addict said...

I am sorry that things have not been the best for you these past few days.
I do hope they get better; I am sure that they will!
Kudos to you for doing a triathalon; I could never.
I missed you, I am glad you came back! :)
Have a great day today; hang in there and stay strong, love! <3

thin_thighs said...

I really like your goals! I know what you mean about not having the corage to count. I gained so I am not eating today.

Good luck hun
<3 Jess

americaneaglelove said...

The triathlon idea sounds awesome, it's motivating and it'll burn tons of calories. Your boyfriend sounds incredibly sweet, he's a keeper! I'm happy you wear an ana bracelet, mine reminds me to stay on track and remember that I'm not alone. Good luck, stay beautiful! :)