Thank you, everyone!

I want to thank everybody for the support. Seeing those comments really helped me a lot. I always smile knowing I have everyone, but I have to say I need help. I've reached a point in my life where I can no longer self sustain and I am going to get some therapy or see someone to help me sort through things. Idk when I will be back but I want to say this...

You all are beautiful.
You all are wonderful.
You all deserve great things from this life.
You all deserve to reach the goals you are working toward.
You all mean so much to me even though I hardly know you.
And every last one of you is unique and perfect in my eyes.

Bless you all for being so great to me when no one else would. In my heart I have love for all of you. I wish you all the happiest of days and the best of times.

Love and Skinnies Forever,

Dust & Feathers.

I'm Sorry Girls

I'm sorry girls that I am this way lately. I am trying to fix myself.

My boyfriend just sent me a text telling me it was over because he found out how much I had binged and purged. I hate it when people leave when things get hard...the time when you need someone to stay.

Taste of Tile.

I slept on the bathroom floor. I woke, my body swollen from dehydration. There was dried blood on the roof of my mouth were I had eatin so much so quickly I started to bleed. My eyes were blood shot and my joints hurt. I looked in the mirror and immediatley turned away. I can't stand the sight of myself anymore.

My boyfriend doesn't love me anymore. He talks to me only because he feels obligated. He's tired of my constant moods of dispair and self loating; of anger and sadness. He wants out I know it. It hurts so deeply.

My family laughs at my failures, rejoices in my faults.

I hear death now. He whispers over my shoulder, his breath on the nape of my neck as he tells me sweet innocent ways to get rid of my pain.

I am so very exhausted.

I feel my wrists over and over now, remembering back to when it was so easy to self destruct, back when angst consumed me and the world seemed to revolve around me.

It's no longer like that. What I do effects to many others.

The clock ticks faster, and my heart beat quickens as the panic attacks draw closer and closer together.

I am terrified of failure.

I eat only so I can feel the pain of purging.

I take another drink from the bottle. 

I want to waste away......

Purging.

I'm Purging....until I feel emptiness and my collar bones hurt and my throat feels scratched and my head spins and my lungs gasp for air and I fall over onto the tile floor clutching my heart asking God why he did this to me. Then I will strip myself naked and fall asleep, knowing I deserved nothing from this life.

"She was of dust and feathers..."

Today I want to pay tribute to my friend who passed almost a year ago. She was my weight loss partner and my friend. She was so strong and always was my thinspiration. We got to our low weights together but after she passed, I gained a ton of weight. She was an inch above my height and her low weight was 119. She was hospitalized 4 times and on the 4th her heart beat dropped to 54. She had a heart arrhythmia which induced a heart attack because of her low heart beat. I loved her and everything she stood for. Today I hit 138 and I'm back on track and when I think of her and how strong she was it makes me want to be strong. I sometimes forget what she sacrificed to be like Dust and Feathers, but I need never forget. I wear her ana bracelet. Nina. Beautiful, Nina. My heart and my starvation goes out to you.

The Swimming Aspect.

So swimming is a lot different than running and biking. With running and biking it's easy to push myself and go farther than I may have previously gone. I can almost wear myself out, but with swimming you can't do that so easily. Today I was suppose to do 8x25 to start out training, but couldn't get through it all. I only did half. BREATHING is such a hard thing to grasp. Getting a rhythm and flow is so key and I just haven't gotten it yet. I did 4x25 or 100 meters and felt so defeated that I couldn't finish the rest. I guess I should quit smoking. Friday is my next swimming day and I'm looking around for some help on how to get my breathing in gear. If any of you all are swimmers I would love the advice.

Intake was good. 420 out of 900 and probably just having oatmeal for dinner. under 300. The eating is getting better. Slowly I move toward success.


Athletic Thinspo cause I'm in the mood :)

Twitter

Follow me as I twitter my way to a new body @ Dust & Feathers

Mondays....

So today was an alright day. I'm making this post short but did want everyone to know that I am still working toward my goal. This helps keep me on track.

I spent the night at my boyfriends. We had some really great sex last night and I worked up a sweat then did again this morning before we went to the gym together. I biked 5 miles then ran half a mile and walked for 20. I then did about 20 minutes of yoga.

Intake
apple sauce- 100
coffee with cream- 35
salad with grilled chicken- 400
half of a plain burger- 195
sweet potatoe fries - 160
green beans- 50
cake- 400 UGH

total- 1,340

Can you believe this? I've been trying my best to get back on track and still can't get there. What is this road block I keep meeting? why did I have to have cake? I'm killing myself by eating this much don't I see that?

sex- 140
bike- 200
run/walk-120
hatha yoga- 60

total burned- 520

I decided to do 10 minutes of dancing and 10 minutes of plyometrics to burn off some of that cake. About 140 more.

Balance=680

Still feel disgusting...

This Road is Long, Forever Curving...

I want it to be straight and narrow.

Monday I ate over 3000 calories, but purged a lot after one of the binges.

Tuesday I ate 1800.

Yesterday I had around 1000.

Today, I have no idea I didn't have the strength to count. I skipped breakfast but ended up having four small tarts after dinner.

I've decided I am going to train for a triathlon that happens August 7th. I wanted to have a goal so that I would HAVE to dedicate to the gym. This means I'll be burning hundreds upon thousands of calories. Very Excited. For this I plan on up-ing my calorie intake to 900. If I can get under that I most certainly will, and plan on burning all of it into a negative calorie anyway.

I still feel bloated and awful and fat. I couldn't have sex with my boyfriend for the first time because I felt too insecure. He held me all night. He told me I was beautiful. He said he would help me and support me no matter what I did in life. I kissed him. I love him.

120 still lingers. I hold it up.

I made 3 different Ana bracelets. One I wear all the time. One I wear with pretty things. One I wear with diamonds. It's helping me.

Eminem. I know this may sound odd, but he is my thinspiration. He does what he wants without caring what the world thinks. He is self-destructive, tormented, troubled and struggling but he still makes the world more poetic with who he is and what he portrays. I want this to be me. I want to starve until I feel frail as a feather and still not care what the world thinks about my eating habits. I want to portray poetic beauty with every ounce I don't eat. I want it all. I want nothing.

Lovely Angels of Ana, I'm sorry. I will get back to commenting and I will get back to a positive outlook...I'm just struggling.

Ugh

I'm sorry girls for not posting and commenting. I've fallen off track and don't know which way is up or down. I need so much and at the same time I have no idea what I need. I hope these days get better and as they progress I hope I can regain control. I'm slipping the tighter I hold on.

"Please God, please help me go one more day without food in my belly, without fat on my hips, and with fulfillment in my heart."

...?

Time Awareness

I will be the first to admit that I do take to much for granted. I let moments pass and never remember them for their value and worth. I sit and waste things that could be used to brighten both mine and other peoples lives. Cliche and overused, we use the phrase "time is a valuable thing" and for me, I'm starting to see it a little more clearly.

I have been wanting results faster than I could ever achieve them. I have been wanting the size 3 pants within days of doing this, but I need to understand, that this is like any other process...it takes time. That I will get to the size 3 but not tomorrow. Not the next day. In two months? yes. In three months? even more likely. I think we tend to get very frustrated at ourselves when we don't see results in 4 days or 7 days or even 2 weeks. I have been doing this for two weeks now and I have lost five pounds. This is a big deal considering the average person loses only 1 pound a week. I think as far as quick results are concerned, I need to take some pressure off myself. I am dedicating, I am working out, I am making changes according to Ana and my fellow Annies. Of course, I meet struggle and binge and purge here and there, as is human to do...but I am in this for the long run. I always get back up when I have fallen down. I have a strict set of rules, a strict workout schedule, I have pressure coming from everywhere....this is a place I can stand to take some pressure off. Allow time. Let my body change at the pace it wants to change according to the rules I have set.

This being said, I can open my eyes to view the good moments and smile when I need to. When I'm sitting out in the sun with my boyfriend, I need to bask in the glory of the day and his love as opposed to constantly thinking about how fat my arms look in my sun dress (granted they really do look fat but do I have to think about it ALL the TIME?) Time really is a valuable thing and we should embrace it as opposed to using it to further pressure ourselves. Life is short, I should spend less of it worrying and more of it loving.

I woke up this morning, stepped on the scale, looked down and saw a beautiful 140. Yesterday I refused fries and a burger and had italian ice and half a banana for dinner. It's steps like that, that will lead me to success. I also went shopping with my boyfriend and bought a size 6 pair of shorts...it's getting there :)

I wish all of you beauties out their a very wonderful day and an amazing start to this week. LOVE

Happy Thinspo :)

Any thoughts on the fuchsia/red hair? I'm thinking about doing it. 

<3