The Good News and the Bad News

Me and my boyfriend talked. We talked and talked until about three this morning. We worked out rules and boundries and what we wanted and what we didn't want. He apologized for going behind my back for things and in return we worked out new adventures that we were ok with in the bedroom. Thank you Skinny_Legs for helping me keep an open mind and also keeping me from binging! I read that comment right before I was about to head out to the ice cream stand. So I am feeling much better today except for the lack of sleep.

Eating was alright until this evening when the family decided pizza and fried chicken was the way to go. I picked on the fried chicken and had two and a half slices of pizza and then a roll but immediately went and purged it all up. I have to start punishing myself for that kind of stuff. I can not simply eat what I want because it is there, that is not how a skinny girl lives.

Intake was around 300 before the fried food frenzy so it wouldn't have killed me if i didn't purge it up. I did workout a good bit today. I decided for a change of pace to go to the park and do a couple trails. I power walked for 6, 1 mile trails. I'm not sure what the time span on that is but it usually takes me 15 minutes for 1 mile power walking. So...1and 1/2 hours? If that is the case then I burned 500 calories and then me and my boyfriend had play time and that was several more. (if this TMI offends anyone please let me know and I will quit posting it. My goal is to connect with people and I really don't mean to offend anyone I just like being honest.)

Tomorrow will be better simply because I will not let food control me. It's harder though being with my family because they get suspicious when I don't eat what they are eating. Maybe I should just eat (or not eat) what I want and let them deal with it if they have a problem. I'm a grown women. I don't need their permission to be thin.

Love and Skinnies to everyone <3

When They Lie...

(Yesterday)
Intake-
1 cup of fruit-80
1/2 cup soy-milk- 35
Apple- 80
1/2 chicken grilled chicken breast- 75
1 sweet potato- 105
1/4 cup broccoli- 25

Total= 400

35 minutes bike- 260
40 minute aerobic dvd- 320
10 minute walk- 55

Total Burned= 615


Last night, I found out my boyfriend watches porn on a regular basis. I have no idea what to do. I feel lost and insecure. I feel unloved and ugly. Heaven only knows what he thinks of when he's in bed with me, or what lies he's told me about how beautiful he thinks I am. I feel betrayed. I don't feel safe around him. I understand that porn happens. I don't know a single person who hasn't seen something at least once. It's almost a write of passage for wayward adolescent teens. But my boyfriend is 20 years old. He didn't lie to me when I asked, which I give him credit for, but still, I can't think about this without my skin crawling. I feel like I don't know him anymore. I feel like I don't know which way is up or down, or what was fact and what was fiction. Where did he lie? Does he have sex with me because he loves me? Or is it because he simply can? Does he even love me? What else is he keeping from me? What do I do? Where do I go? I have no idea. This is all to much. I feel so lost right now and out of control.

What would you do?

I have been wanting to press my lips to the rim of a milkshake class and guzzle down something or anything to help me feel fulfilled, but I know that in the end all I'll want to do is throw it up, and I will be left empty again. Instead I'm letting this empty stomach fill me. I have maintained my rules, because if I can't have control over anything else...I can control this.

intake
fruit and soymilk- 115
creamer- 65
1/2 apple- 40
2 slice of pb toast- 290

Total= 510

45 min bike- 390
1 hour yoga- 180

Total Burned= 570

Thirty calories short on my burning. Will walk for 10 after I nap away this pain. Home for the summer which I'm not at all excited about but I will continue to lose. I'm sorry girls that this is so negative. Tomorrow will hopefully be easier.

20 more days.

Why isn't it enough?

Weakness Consumes Me

Weakness consumes me.
It rears it's evil head
It laughs and lingers

Inspiration, please Stay
Perfection, please Speak
Pull me and want me

I feel I've wasted
Who I am
What I want

Where did the glimmer go?


I binged. After all I said about food meaning nothing, I ate cake. I ate pie. I ate a bowl of ice cream. I ate fries. I poured this quick fixing sugar pill down my throat in spoon fulls and felt emptier than when I am actually empty. I feel weak. My limitations are spread like oil in water. I can see straight through all of these so called rules and take advantage of the space between them.

I try to be positive, but it's hard today. Yesterday was horrible. The scale said 142 this morning. Bloated. Gross. I hate this feeling. I need more boundaries and structure. I need to make a promise.

A promise to all of you.

May 1st is Sunday. I have to lose 2 pounds to meet my goal. My promise to all of you is this...

+5 days a week of hard exercise. A minimum of 400 calories burned.
+Until Sunday May 1st, under 500 calories intake and 600 calories burned.
+ For the next 21 days, no sugar and no starches. I a-lot myself 2 pieces of whole-grain toast but that is all. If I am going to eat animal products again, then I need to restrict elsewhere. I can have meat, vegetables and fruit. That's all. I will count down the days to make sure all of you see I am keeping my word.

I need the accountability. I'm falling slowly, and I need to promise, not only myself, but all of you strong Anas that I can and will fix the faults in my character. I need to show everyone that I am strong enough. If you see me falling off, tell me. I will get back up and show my strength of will.

I will post my intake for the day later, along with my workout.
I promise you, I will have control.

A Little Down, but Not Out

So yesterday I was extremely busy and didn't get the chance to blog, but I'm glad I'm getting the chance. It was a decent day yesterday. Didn't workout. I've been way to lenient on that. I need some inspiration to get back into the gym routine. Yoga is great for plenty of things but burning excess fat is really not one of them unless its vinyasa and my class is Hatha. If anyone has tips on what helps them get to the gym I would love to hear your thoughts :) I ate well yesterday. I don't think I went above 600. Normal small breakfast, slice of plain toast and an apple for lunch. Went out with my boyfriend for dinner and had two vegetable sides and four small bites of lean steak. I feel good about it. I had to make sure it looked like I was just eating healthy and not trying not to eat. He didn't seem to notice.

Today so far has been...slow. I'm having trouble sleeping and I wake up tired with back pain and then have to work, then I have to workout and I really just never want to. Once again, I'm not inspired or motivated. I want something fun to do that burns 600 calories instead of sitting on a stationary bike or intervaling on a treadmill for an hour. Ballet is fun, but only to a point. I'm not a pro so I can dance silly for an hour or two but I want to feel like I've accomplished something serious after I'm done. My ballet is more of a hobby. My gym only offers kickboxing and yoga classes. I just need to do something creative, but I'm not sure what or how to go about it. I'm in desperate need of help because I will never reach my goals if I don't start burning off all that I am eating. Speaking of eating, today has been good. I really think I have the food part under control though. Fruit and soy milk and a small vegan muffin for breakfast. Edamame and an apple for lunch. I will hopefully go on a hike later to burn off that muffin. I'm not sure what will be for dinner, but whatever it is I'm only having three bites. Love and support to everyone out there.

<3

[Final Thoughts] 141.0

So today started out pretty good. I looked down at the scale to see a 141. Not the 138 I had hoped for but I tripped a couple times this starting week. I know this next week will be much better. Today was an alright day. I felt like I ate a ton even though I only had three or four bites of the dishes then went and drank diet coke the rest of the time. I walked around the lake which was a good several calories burned. I may have screwed up a bit on the eating, but here is the thing...I'm ok. Tomorrow is almost here. I can do this. With Ana guiding me and a new strength of will. I want to thank all of you beautiful girls who have been helping me with support and kind comments. They really do truly help me on this journey to perfection and I hope that I have managed to help you some as well. Stay Strong amazing girls! We will make it.

Some Beach Themed Thinspo :)

[Day 7] Food Only for Thought.

Food is what we say it is. Food. It is not a gift, it is not a curse. It does not have powers. It can not speak, it can not invoke. It can not be forced or be coerced. It does not have feelings, and can not make you have feelings. It is an inanimate object such as a chair or table is. I do not have a relationship with a chair or table. It simply exists. I can refuse it, or accept it. Today, as simple as this thought and fact may sound, occurred to me in the deepest and clearest sense and I felt relief that this control could be mine. I am in control of my destiny. I am the only one accountable for what goes into my mouth. No one else. "I will have will power, and I will refuse that plate you offer"....a little food for thought.

For visiting the family, today was remarkably good. My monthly gift was presented to me today which will affect my weigh in tomorrow. Hopefully not to badly. No one baked or cooked or offered anything outrageous to me today. I managed to stay quite busy and also got a bit of a workout by babysitting the three little boys of some family friends. Tomorrow will be hard, but I plan on only having bites here and there and staying on my feet all the time to burn calories. If I have to purge, I will (but I'm going to be in control enough that it won't have to come to that.) Plan on taking some supplement as well to help burn a little extra. Cross your fingers, wish me luck.

Intake

Breakfast
1 cup fruit- 80
1/2 cup soymilk- 35

Lunch
1/2 apple - 40
1/2 cup grapes - 80? [if someone can give me a count on this it would be fantastic grapes are wonderful!]

Dinner-
Handful of vegan fat free carmal popcorn- 200
3 small sweet potato fries [my sister insisted]- no idea

Total= I'm guessing around 500.


Running around with kids- lots

Total Burned= not enough

It's been a long day so no thinspo. Stay Strong ladies. Nothing is Everything

[Day 6] The Family Affair

Happy Earth Day. Namaste. Free Coffee Friday at Starbucks if you bring in a reusable mug :)

As much as I love my sister dearly and she is one of my very closest friends, she is in fact...a baker. Every time we all get together for family holidays she loves to try out new recipes and then trying out all the new concoctions. Don't get me wrong, I to love baking, but only when I can immediately box them up and send them to my brother who is a 6'2" track and field athlete. (One of the main reasons I have strong hatred to our fellow sex is because they can eat an entire container of peanut butter oatmeal chocolate chip cookies and not gain an ounce.) Anyway, today started out decent. I went to work, did a short workout and came home to spend time with my family (mainly my brother and sister, not the rents) And my sister decided to bake. We made vegan maple pumpkin muffins. I had planned on just eating one for I know she always insists I try one, but then she brought me another one. Oops...it fell on the floor. It's ok....she only made 2 dozen more! She brought me a plate of two more. "if you don't eat em I'll be convinced there is something wrong, these are heaven sent!" she said, just as my mother walks into the room. Lovely. So I ate one and a half more (granted they had 1 gram of fat and made with splenda) and at that time I was stuffed (with guilt and muffins) then fed the rest to the dog. I felt bloated and gross, so an hour later I pulled out the insanity dvd my boyfriend let me barrow and did almost all of it. It truly is insane. Recommended if you've had a bad intake day and want to feel like you've burned it all off.

intake

Breakfast
1/2 cup fruit- 40 
1 mixed cereal- 130
1/2 cup soy milk- 35

Lunch-
1/2 cup edamame- 75 [wouldn't have eatin if I had known I was going to be force fed]
2 1/2 vegan pumpkin muffins- 360 [yucky gross]

And of course, we have to all cook and eat together but I only ate part of what was on my plate and told them I was full from muffins.

Dinner-
Vegan Spagetti Sauce- 90
Whole Grain Pasta- 105

Total= 835 :/

25 minute interval training- 150
30 Insanity- 220
20 minute power yoga [wish I could have done more] - 110

Total Burned- 480

Tomorrow I will do better.

Thinspo because I need it!

[Day 5] Working up a Sweat

Fantastic Day. I have to take a moment to give props to Skinny_Legs who has helped motivate me back into some serious gym time. Thank you sweet girl, I needed the push! I had to work odd hours today. I came in the morning for three hours then left for two hours then came back to work four more. In my mind, I was already prepared to slack off in the gym department because I had less than two hours to complete a workout, shower and get back to work. I walked in, got on the treadmill and started walking as usual. I did some interval training and got all sweaty and worked up, which made me think of Skinny_legs amazing workout. I then proceeded down to the dance room to do some bar training. Time was getting late and I still had to shower and make the twenty minute drive back to work. So I thought, "ok, I'll end here." I did very well on my intake today, only eating half of what I'd normally eat. This inspired me further and after dinner I did another hour of hatha yoga, bordering on vinyasa. I feel like I have conquered this day.

Intake:

Breakfast-
1/2 cup of fruit- 40 cals
1/2 cup of cereal- 50
1/2 cup soy milk- 35

Homemade soy-latte w/ 1/2 cup of soy milk- 35

Lunch-
1/2 pb&j sandwich [made with low-fat pb]- 125
1/2 apple- 40

2 cherry coke zeros - ZERO :)

Dinner-
Boca Chicken Patty on a slice of whole-wheat bread and some humus- 270 [didn't finish all of it]
1/2 cup of veggies- 35

Total= 630

20 minute interval training- 110
30 minutes Ballet Bar training- 190
1 Hour Yoga- 180

Total Burned= 480 :)

Gotta love it.

Thinspo

two favorites: Gisele photographed by David Lachapelle

[Day 4] Back on Board

So, there are a few things I wanna talk about in this post. I've been thinking about a lot of things today and just want to clear my head. I'll try to keep it short, but hang in there.

I remember several years ago my mother (who is overweight and complains about it all the time but refuses to do anything about it) told me that I should learn to accept that being a little bit on the heavy side is in my genes and I will never be smaller than the size I am. The thought occurred to me today. Why? Why should I accept something like that? Because she did? Because she refuses to change her life and her ways? I know I can be thin. Food is an addiction, a cover up, a hopeless hole from which I can choose to throw my problems into. I don't need it. I deserve to be small and the feather weight I have always wanted. So I've removed her voice from my head, and started to move toward a perfect body.

Today was a decent day. I put the binge in the past and decided to move on. Last night after the binge I swallowed six laxatives and six cilium fiber pills to get things moving. Needless to say I didn't sleep very well during the night but at least I woke up feeling like I had flushed my system somewhat. I try to stay away from purging and laxatives, but I felt like I needed it. It may have only helped my mental state, but at least it helped. During lunch today, instead of eating the other half of my food, I took a ten minute walk :) It was a lovely day and the sun reminded me of where I was headed and how much I still needed to lose so I took a good step.

Driving home, something kinda funny happened. I was headed down the highway and their is a turning lane that cuts across my lane of traffic to turn into a Chili's restaurant. [if that makes sense] Anyway, I was up to speed when a large red van pulls out in front of me almost causing a wreck. I flipped him the bird and shouted a bit before looking in to realize it was an entire little obese family. I thought to myself "Chill the fuck out. Chili's isn't going anyway. You can wait two seconds for me to pass, then go stuff your faces." As evil as this may sound when I got home I was hungry and instead of eating I drank some tea and went about doing my list of things to do. Empowerment.

Today's intake was an ok intake and the workout was decent although I could have done more, the lack of sleep got to me. Took my active multivitamin but nothing else.

Breakfast
1/2 cup fruit- 40cals
Oatmeal- 150cals
Soymilk- 70cals
Coffee with splenda ONLY!

Lunch
10 pita chips- 130cals
1/2 cup edamame- 75cals

Jasmine Green Tea- 0cals
Coke Zero- 0cals

Dinner
Whole wheat toast with sprinkled splenda and cinnimon- 50cals
1/2 cup unsweetend apple sauce- 30cals
1/2 cup vegetables- 35cals


Total- 575 [back on track]

10 Minute walk
20 Minutes Ballet
10 Minutes Zumba [so fun. girls in the dance room were doing it so I joined for a bit. recommend it to everyone!]
30 Minutes Yoga

Some of my new favorites thinspo:

I want my booty to look like that!

{Side Note}

I keep leaving comments on other people's blogs, but when I go back to the page my comment is no longer there. Anyone know why it's doing this?

[Day 3] Series of Unfortunate Events...

So, not a good day. I woke up to find blood in my stool. [tmi I know I'm sorry] I did some research online and it's because I've been taking my Lipo-6 to many weeks in a row. The warning label told me to take it 8 weeks then take 4 weeks off...but since when do I heed warning? Anyway, I got scared and decided that I will take the next week off the pills and see if everything gets better. No lipo-6 on top of no hoodia? Cravings galore! My intake is not good AT ALL! Then the people at work were a pain and my boyfriend is so un-supportive of me not eating. He constantly is asking me if I want something to eat and bringing me things to eat. I need advice on how to make this stop.

Breakfast-
1cup shredded wheat (not the disgusting frosted kind) - 175cals
1cup Soymilk- 70cals
Coffee with 2 non-dairy creamers- 70cals [why did I have to have two?]

[I could have done a half cup of both and saved myself before this day began but I didn't]

Lunch-
Lettuce and Spinach mix w/ drizzle of ginger dressing- 50cals
1cup Edamame- 150cals
1cup of frozen Fruit-80cals

[Again, I ate 1 cup when I could have eatin half...but here comes the fun part]

Dinner-
5 large bites of vegan chocolate cake (made with splenda)- I'm guessing around 400cals
2 vegan oatmeal cookies (My mom gave them to me ask a gift. Fuck food gifts and fuck you mom!)- 260cals

Then to make matters even worse...my boyfriend came over and made me eat two bowls of cereal valuing at 250 a piece.  UUUGHGH!

Total= 1,755 DX [Ugly and Awful!!]
then after that...i binged more. i hate myself today.

30 minutes on the treadmill [yeah, not good either]

The cravings became to much, and I was tired from work then working out and I caved. It's only DAY 3!? I need to pull myself together. I feel like a fool, an idiot and a fat ass and I can't take it. I went to shave my legs and just watched my fat fold over itself. It so very gross. I thought about purging but didn't. This morning when I weighed I was at 142.4. Lower than my usual fat 145, but I probably went back after that binge. Tomorrow, 1 hour of yoga, 1 hour on the treadmill, and a very low intake. Ugh.

Thinspo to remind me of where I need to be and what's more important than that fucking cake!

There will never be fries [or cake] worth it.

"Please God, Please give me the strength to go one more day without food."

p.s. I added my heavy weight pictures and my progress and will add more as I go, onto a new page.  Hopefully they will help scare you all and myself skinny.

.120. 120.120.

[Day 2] Growing Pains

Fml. My day started at 4 this morning. Actually, I don't think yesterday ended. They both ran together. I spent the night at my boyfriend's place last night and he is on some new kick of sleeping with the loudest fucking music on. I asked him to turn it off, but he said he couldn't sleep without it so he turned it down...guess what asshole, we are in the room with the fucking thing. you can turn it down all you want I can still fucking here it....and as if that wasn't enough, when we did it this morning he didn't have a condom on. beautiful. hello plan b. Then, he asked me to eat something. I told him I wasn't hungry but to keep his fucking dog nose off the trail I caved. I left pissed off at him, then I was late for work. Then everyone there was a bitch, and my day has only gotten better. I didn't make it to the gym because my back is killing me because I didn't get sleep. I did get to tan and do yoga though which made things a lot better, but now all I want to do is nap. I've been getting stomach pains like crazy and although they hurt, they are completing me and filling up this fucking shit hole of a day.

Sunday is Easter, and if you come from a large southern family you know what that's like. I became vegan for lent (even though I don't hold a religion I think it's a good practice) and I dropped 8 pounds. This was amazing for me, but my family gets so concerned. The only reason they do this is because they are all obese and they don't know what to do when a body starts getting to a beautiful weight. Needless to say, come Easter Sunday they are going to try and stuff my face. I plan on making this week count and shock the hell out of them when they see me, then take bites here and there to also lead their fucking dog noses off the trail. That means dedicated to more than just yoga for the rest of the week no matter how much my back hurts and eating much less than I have been.

intake-

Breakfast:
Kellogs protein bar- 170 cals
Coffee with splenda and non-fat non-dairy creamer- 35cals

Lunch:
9 whole-wheat crisps- 90cals
2tbsp vegetable humus- 60cals
1cup broccoli and brussels sprouts- 100cals

Dinner:
Bowl of cereal- 300cals [I had a bowl but then went back and picked out of the box. ugh. fat ass]
1cup light soy milk- 70cals

Total= 825 [to much, to much, to much]

1 Hour Yoga

Thinspo:

"Please God, Please help me go one more day without eating. "

[Day 2] Measurements

Took these down, and didn't have the strength to take my weight. It shocked the hell out of me. I can't believe I let myself get here. I've fallen into this "systematic not caring" phase and I eat whatever I want and it really needs to stop because it is obviously starting to show.

I've decided to set a goal for myself. This September I'll be starting art school. It is in Savannah, Ga and seeing as how I'm very sue to the cold weather I'm going to need a change of wardrobe. Ugh. By the beginning of August I plan on being 3 sizes down and my goal weight of 120. I know I can do this. I can't go and not be small. I would disgust myself too much every single day. I refuse. 120 is the lowest I can be without the doctor saying I'm too small. I'd like to stay right around there, but if I can, I'll go lower. Nothing is Everything. 

4-18-11 Measurements 
Left Arm: 11 1/2"   Right Arm: 12"
Bust: 30 1/2"
Waist: 26"
Navel: 31" [shoot me]
Butt: 39" [again]
Hips: 38 1/2" [die die die death die]
Left Leg: 23"            Right Leg: 24" [these are one inch larger than two weeks ago. seriously? shoot me]


8-1-11 Goal Measurements 
Left Arm: 8"            Right Arm: 9"
Bust: 30"
Waist: 22-23"
Navel: 26-27"
Butt: 35-36"
Hips: 34"
Left Leg: 20"           Right Leg: 21"


Jean Size= 7-8
Goal=3 or 4-5

Here, I don't know what is realistic. I'm pear shaped and understand that my ass is always going to be fat, but I want it to be so so much smaller. I'm not sure what measurements are good for a 120lb 5'7" person who looks amazingly thin. Any help on that? Anyway, all of these measurements would be fantastic if they ended up being smaller, but I have to be somewhat logical for the moment. As much as I'd love to be nothing right now, idk if I can get there by August.

Leg Thinspo Needed! if anyone has some skinny leg photos I'd love to see em. They will motivate me.

Just a Few:

Will do weight tomorrow.

New Beginning...

So, a year or two ago I started a blog on this same topic and unfortunately got off track. I got very VERY heavy, but within the last couple months have lost a lot of that weight. Now I want to start anew and get into a body I feel complete in. I want a body that makes people talk about how thin I am, and wonder if I've been eating. I want my hip-bones to stick out and dimples on my back. My ribs have started to show a lot which I am loving but it's not enough. There is still way to much fat on me and I know this will help. I love support from people and advice to see what others are doing. I welcome comments and chats and advice. I will do before and after pictures, but as we all know...with Ana there is no after. Thin is a way of life.

For the next week (my starting week) I will post everything I have to eat because I need to be accountable. This won't be an life-long thing because I know it gets boring talking about what I had to eat every second of every day, but for this week only...I need a standard.

Sunday, April 17th. (Day 1)

I took my active multivitamin and my lipo-6, but I ran out of hoodia yesterday and have to go back to gnc for more.

Breakfast:
    Small bowl of cereal w/ light soy milk - 275 calories
    Coffee w/ non-fat non-dairy creamer- 35 calories

Lunch:
    Vegetable Medley w/ light tofu- 300 calories
    1 cup of fruit- 80 calories

Dinner:
   Sautéed vegetables in no-cal cooking spray- 100
   1 slice whole-grain wheat toast - 50 calories
   1 tbsp low-fat peanut butter- 95 calories

Total= 935 :/

Not the best day because of the peanut butter but I am trying to be gradual so I don't fail on first flight. Usually if I want something really bad I will have one or two bites of it and that will be all I have for the meal, but I ate the whole piece of toast. I wish I hadn't but I can't change it. I did, however, reject a bite of chocolate cake when it was offered to me.

No workout today.

ThinSpo: